Catholic Wedding night answers

Written By Michelle LaSart

*Affiliate Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. I receive a commission for qualifying purchases.

If you’re anything like I was

as an engaged Catholic girl, you probably have some big questions about the wedding night, and beyond. It can also be hard to find those answers on the internet, because most of the world doesn’t have Catholic values. Worse still, lots of good Catholics are unfortunately tongue-tied when it comes to the subject of sex in marriage.

When I was getting married, I was fortunate to have a good friend I could call up and ask my wedding night questions. If you’ve got a married woman in your life who shares your values and is willing to share some advice, that is such a great way to prepare! I’d highly recommend reaching out to her. If you don’t really know anyone that fits that description, though, consider me your girl! I’m going to share with you the kinds of questions I had (and I think many other Catholic women have, too!) If there are any other burning questions you have, feel free to fill out the form at the bottom of this blog post, and I will try to answer them to the best of my ability.

I realize everyone comes into marriage with different experiences. My husband and I had the blessing of both being virgins on our wedding night, but even if that’s not your story, I believe God wants to abundantly bless you and your husband’s sexuality within your marriage. What matters is that you’ve brought any past failings in that area to God in Confession, you’ve shared your history with your future spouse, and you live purely now. If you have more questions about the Church’s teachings on sexuality and abstinence before marriage, here are a few great resources:

Whether or not you’re entering into your wedding night as virgin(s), this blog post will still be a great resource to help you have a holy, happy, and memorable wedding night.

So grab your beverage of choice, and settle in for some wholesome (and exciting!) girl talk. I’ll be tactful, yet comfortable as we discuss this truly amazing gift you and your husband are about to give each other.

tips for a happy, holy, memorable wedding Night

  1. Communicate during the days and weeks leading up to your wedding. In the last few weeks and days leading up to your wedding, here are a few topics it would be helpful to discuss with your husband-to-be:

    • Where you’re likely to be at in your cycle (period, fertile, non-fertile)

    • Whether or not you’ll want to be intimate in that phase of your cycle

    • How important consummating the marriage on the wedding night is to each of you

      Would you prefer to be intimate on the wedding night, or do you think you’ll want a shower, a good night sleep, and go for it when you’re well-rested? Maybe you’ll decide to see how you’re both doing at the end of the day, and that’s okay, too. Having clear expectations and communication is key to having an enjoyable wedding night, whether you consummate that night or not.

    • Any fears/insecurities you think would be helpful to share

    • Your excitement! While it’s important to be pure in the way you talk with your fiancé, it is good to simply let him know you’re excited to be fully united!

2. Get something you feel pretty in! Whether it’s perfume, a silky robe, or lingerie, these things can help you feel bridal and romantic. None of these things are required, but they can be part of the atmosphere and help you get into the spirit of things.

Uncomfortable with lingerie shopping? HERE you can buy beautiful lingerie without brazen photoshopped models at every turn. This Christian, model-free site just uses mannequins for display, so you can enjoy picking out underwear that you will feel good in, instead of seeing it on other women (who have most likely been photoshopped). Use my code: ABEAUTIFULCATHOLICLIFE to get 20% off your order!

3. Night of - Relax! Take some time to enjoy one another’s company and process your wedding day. You might want to give each other a chance to freshen up and change. I fondly remember sitting on the bed chatting while my husband took 50 bobby pins out of my hair. Then, we ordered pizza! To this day it seems like some of the best pizza I’ve ever eaten. The key is, relax with one another. Whether that’s enjoying some wine, a massage, or pizza, get comfortable with one another, talk, and connect.

4. Pray So many people don’t let God into this part of their relationship. Why? It’s not as if God is embarrassed by the topic - he created sex, after all! So start your married life off by giving God permission to work in your sexual relationship with your spouse. It can be as simple as an Our Father, or a prayer from the heart, asking God to help you love and honor one another fully. We read Tobit 8:4-8, where Tobias asks God to bless he and Sarah’s life as husband and wife. It was very peaceful and meaningful to take a moment to offer our sexual relationship to God.

Wedding Night FAQs

Now that you have some context on how to prepare for your wedding night, here are a few questions I had leading up to the big day (and night). Remember, there’s a form at the end, so feel free to enter your own questions there! I will update the post with new questions and answers.

Does it hurt?

If this is your first time, yes, probably some, although probably not more than stubbing your toe or getting pinched. Using some sort of lube, like grapeseed oil, can definitely help. Just do your research and make sure it is, “Fertility-friendly,” or, “sperm-friendly.”

Will it be messy?

Some women do experience bleeding the first time, so having a towel underneath can help avoid discomfort. The seminal fluid also does come out after awhile, so having a towel or some hygiene wipes around may help you feel more at ease with that, as well.

What if I’m on my period?

Everyone’s period is different. Odds are, if you are on one of the first few days you’ll probably want to consummate once any heavy bleeding is over. Hopefully this is something you’ll be able to predict a bit ahead of time. You can still make the night special with massages, champagne, and a freer affection that acknowledges you are married, and that the best is yet to come!

What if I’m using NFP and am fertile?

If you and your fiancé have decided it would be prudent to avoid pregnancy right now, using NFP is definitely the virtuous choice that honors your free, total, faithful, and faithful union. My husband and I have never regretted our commitment to the Church’s teaching on sexuality. It is difficult, certainly, but it also gives us ample opportunities to communicate, to be intentional about all the different ways to love one another, and practice the virtues of prudence, self-control, selflessness, and generosity.

So if that is how you are starting out your married life together, the wedding night can still be a wonderful celebration of your marriage, if not a full-on consummation. Without making it too hard to wait a few days longer, you can certainly decide on something to do together that honors the fact you are married. Slow dance, wear something pretty, tell each other what you’re looking forward to, spoon - and just enjoy one another’s company!

Do I have to wax/shave?

Ladies, I agonized over this, but you don’t have to! Do whatever makes you feel most comfortable in your own skin. To my knowledge, men rarely care about body hair as much as women do.

What if we can’t figure it out?

You will! It’s okay if you’re a little slow to figure out the mechanics. Nobody is judging - it’s only you and your spouse who just vowed to love and honor you for the rest of his life! If you decide to call it and try again after a good night’s sleep, you’ve got the rest of your life together to learn the language of marital love.

What if he does something I don’t like?

Communication about your intimacy is a skill that will continue to develop throughout your marriage. If there are any major insecurities that you want to communicate before, you can let him know verbally if there’s a way you don’t feel ready to be touched. If you realize in the moment something is uncomfortable, or you’re just not feeling it, simply moving away, or gentle, “No, thanks,” or, “not yet,” is perfectly okay. While it’s good to try to please your spouse and sometimes step out of your comfort zone, communication and feeling at ease with one another is key to healthy intimacy. Once again, you have time to grow!

What if I can’t orgasm?

.Obviously it’s normal to want to orgasm - and even climax at the same time as your spouse. It is certainly achievable, and you’ll get there! You may be able to orgasm on day one, or it may take awhile. I also want to emphasize that, whether or not you orgasm during sex does not need to make or break the experience. There are many emotional and even spiritual connections and consolations that can take place, whether or not you get to the peak of physical satisfaction.

Even if you don’t orgasm your first, fourth, or fourteenth night together, persevere! Communicating with your spouse about it and brainstorming together will help you as you grow in intimacy with one another. For help communicating about sexuality with your husband, I’d strongly recommend purchasing Holy Sex by Gregory Popcak, Ph.D. It was such a help in getting us talking about intimacy as newlyweds, and is still such a helpful reference.

Final THOUGHTS

Your wedding night is a big deal, and it’s important to take the time to prepare for it. Remember to keep giving it to God - he wants to bless you and your husband’s sexual union! Especially bring to God any worries you have about sex. He designed you and your future spouse, and wants you to understand His plan for married love more fully. With God’s grace, you will soon be celebrating your wedding day, and night! Until then, “Persevere in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.” Colossians 4:2

Remember to fill out the form below if there are any other questions about the Wedding Night you want to see covered here!

Michelle LaSart
Next

Catholic Wedding Dresses Under $6oo